Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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