At least make sure they are 18
Why
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
