The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
