I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
