I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
