He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
