Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
