The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
