she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
