the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
