I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
