How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
