Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
i think i just lost a toe
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize