Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize