how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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