I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
