and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
