I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
