I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
