Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
