Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
