She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
My vagina is very pro this idea
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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