i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
