I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
