She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
