get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize