Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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