Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize