Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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