she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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