The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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