oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
