I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
