I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
