I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
