wrigley field is MILF paradise
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
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