This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
