He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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