ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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