Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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