no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
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