This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize