Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
