I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
