Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
