You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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