At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
