was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He shit in the fireplace
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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