I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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