3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
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