I heard we made out
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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