I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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