Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
