Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize