ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize