Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
