I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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