four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
