My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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