He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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