I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
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