i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Randomize
