i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
