Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
